the first email.

My dearest famille,

 

I hope my first letter didn't worry you too much—yes they were some of the hardest days of my life, but now I am doing much better. I kept on thinking about a line in a book I read about Matthew Cowley, one of the first missionaries to bring the gospel to New Zealand,  that explains how it felt. He said that his work as a missionary was "always heavy in its demand for courage." I felt heavy with the prospect of 18 months of this. I am usually okay during the day, but I get anxious in the nights and mornings. The other night though I had the coolest experience. I alway hear missionaries say "I can feel your prayers" and I'm like okaaaay. But as I was lying in my bunk bed I felt a very real light fill me. I could literally feel your prayers and see your faces and hear words of comfort. It was powerful. Thanks for that. It is still rough, but each day I feel lighter and here are the reasons why:

 

1. My District

If I had any doubts about chosing to do the eight week MTC rather than three week, they were quickly dispelled after getting to know my district. They are my favorite. We have begun to slowly make connections from Lord of the Rings to the MTC—i.e., the front gates are the black gates of Mordor, the temple is Rivendale, randomly during class someone will say "I can't recall the taste of strawberries, grass in the summer…tell me about the Shire." Needless to say, we all get along really well. They have already become my family away from family here. I know you will want details, so voila:

Soeur Hill: from Texas, a Dietetics major from BYU. She and I think about the gospel in a very similar manner, and she is sweet and quiet and very easy to be with. We have had a good time together.
Elder Louis: District leader, Haitian-American, from Boston. Hardest worker, humblest person. Always knows how to work hard, but also keep everyone happy. And he teaches us Haitian phrases every day. And inner city slang. Awesome.
Elder Wallace: from LA, kindest person, heart of gold. Always positive and willing to break into Selena Gomez or JoBro songs with me whenever the occasion presents itself.
Elder Price: From Huntington Beach. Solid, hard worker, really easy to talk to, fun.
Elder Oliverson: aka Elder Choutte From Logan, really funny, reminds me of Ben. Always nice to have someone you would totally be friends with in real life around.
Elder Wilson: from Bountiful. First thought he was super quiet, then found out he is super witty. Randomly makes great comments.
Elder Barr: Smart, thought he would be super serious. Untill he randomly breaks into dance on our walks around the MTC. Classic.

 

So there you have it. My family away from family. We spend our days studying studying studying. I have learned so much already, from the language to the gospel. It has been good being in this French class. Everyone has a basis of French and I have been able to learn so much by teaching language concepts to others. My teacher was in my French class last semester which is really funny. We did a group project together and he is a great teacher and really nice guy.

 

2. Personal Study

 

I have never spent so much time studying specific elements of the gospel. It is amazing what you can learn if you just pick a topic and study it without distraction for an hour a day.

 

My struggle at the MTC was put into perspective when on Sunday I went to watch a talk that Elder Bednar gave entitled The Character of Christ. He said that the defining element of Christ's character is that in the midst of struggle, while most people would turn in, Christ turns out. He turns out in compassion and love even when things are tough. This is now going to be a lifetime goal for me—to turn out, when we have the tendancy to want to turn in. To help others and focus on the good. Learning about Christ and how to be like Him is such a privelege and I need to remember that and really take what I have learned and make it real. Life is all about turning—changing, and turning to goodness and truth and God in order to become better, so that we can better love others.

 

3. I am going to France, and I can't wait to share this message with people. It changes hearts and makes people better, and allows us to be happy and joyful and be together forever.

 

I love you so much my heart still hurts when I think about it. Your letters and packages are lifesavers. They bring me back to who I am and make me happy. Wish I had five more hours, still so much I want to say, but I am out of time. Long long long letter soon I promise.

 

Je t'aime. Toujours.

 

Love

 

liv

the au revoir.

farewell

Six months ago a mission was about the furthest thing from my mind. I brushed off remarks people would make about me turning 21 with a laugh, and thought that a mission was not for me. Two months and a change of mind later I was wide awake in the middle of the night after receiving my mission call, unable to sleep. I opened up my journal to write about my call, and inadvertently landed on an entry I had written from the summer before while living in France for a study abroad. It read at the top of the page,

“And this is why even in a city as beautiful as Paris, I can sometimes feel sad: 

There is something about cities that makes them sad. A certain burden and heaviness to them. Behind all its energy and excitement are the lonely souls, the lost people and the broken hearts. The buzz of a city approaches such people with apathy. It can feel so impersonal and unforgiving. So many people don’t have something to rely on or to believe in--that goodness, truth and motivation. And all the while you look at these individual faces and realize that God loves them. He loves them wholly and  equally. And I know that and could share that with them. Yet when I catch someone’s eye on the metro, I placidly look away and continue living my life.”

I guess I should be careful what I wish for, I think there will be times in the coming months where I will desperately wish I could placidly look away on the metro. But as I read these words I wrote a year ago now, I asked myself, What would I tell them? What is it that had made me sad, and what was the joy I had thought that I could share?These questions culminated to an even bigger question: why am I going on a mission? Peter 3:15 reads, 

But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you the reason of the hope that is in you.

This question sat in the back of my head for a while, as I wondered what my answer was for this hope that is within me. This hope has grown as I have grown up, starting small as I went to church with my family, learning and growing with each lesson at church. The organization of the church gave me the structure and framework needed to learn His commandments. But this hope became something real and tangible only when I became converted to the gospel itself. My love for others and hope for a better world increased as I strove to to have an authentic relationship with God and began understand His love.  I realized that behind all of the details and doctrine of the gospel, I know one thing with conviction and surety: I know that God lives. I know that there is someone who loves every living soul unconditionally, that we are eternal beings and we can find belonging somewhere higher and greater, when we are sad, sick, lonely or feel that we do not belong here. I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ we are healed and made better. This knowledge has been the foundation of hope and joy in my life.Yet there are plenty of people out there who believe in God, a god, or some supreme being. So what, then, is specific to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that makes this relationship any fuller? What about the Restored Gospel gives me such a foundation? I have found that the Restoration allows us to know God personally, which inherently means we are better able to love Him. In the Spring of 1820, a young boy named Joseph Smith yearned for that living God. Though brought up with religion, and a knowledge of God, Joseph did not feel that he had full truth. Joseph then asked God to tell Him which church to join, and God and Jesus Christ appeared to him, telling Him that none of the churches were correct. Joseph Smith history 1:19 reads,

I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.

In other words, they were converted to their churches, and the idea of their churches, but not to God himself. They preached of God, but did not have a relationship with God, and their hearts were far from Him.What strikes me most about this interaction is God in front of this mortal boy saying, “come back.” Joseph Smith’s vision allowed him to see God beyond mere idea, as a real being, a God who listens and answers, calls and guides; a God who loves us and wants to be loved. The Restoration is the foundation upon which we can most genuinely build a relationship with God. When God appeared to Joseph, He instructed him to establish a church that would essentially bring people back to Him, a gospel that restores a real, living relationship between God and man.We learn in the Book of Mormon this same truth. 2 Nephi 27:25-26 reads,

Forasmuch as this people draw near unto me with their mouth, and with their lips do honor me, but have removed their hearts far from me, and their fear to towards me is taught by the precepts of men. Therefore, I will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of their wise and learned shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent shall be hid.

That marvelous work and a wonder is the restored gospel. In other words, that knowledge that has been restored to us allows us to transcend the precepts of men. We believe that God is a living God, someone who is not removed from us, but a father who knows us and loves us. In Acts chapter 17, verses 27-29 it reads,

That they should seek the Lord if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from everyone of us; For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring. Forasmuch then as we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Godhead is like unto gold, or silver, or stone, graven by art and man’s devices.

The Godhead is not something that is graven out of man’s devices. Rather, in him we live and move and have our being. In other words, He is our father and we are His children. He is real and His love is vast. All we need to do is open up space in our hearts and ask Him, and He will fill us with that love. I know that often I will get tired and forget to actively nourish my conversion to the gospel, even when I am actively participating in church activities.  They are both integral and crucial for the other, but we must balance our conversion to both. When I focus my efforts on creating a relationship with God, and then actively try to be like the Savior, my hope in life is greatly increased.  This relationship with God however is not immediate and full all at once, but like conversion, is a process. All relationships are a process, and they become more meaningful the deeper you delve, the more you give, the more you love. Our conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ is a process that takes patience, the same patience that, in Romans 5:4, Paul promises us leads to experience, which experience leads to hope.  As we are patient in our communication with God, we are led through experiences which increase our faith and solidify our hope.My favorite scripture, Ether 12:4, reads:

Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

I like two things about this verse. First, that hope is sure, that it is likened to an anchor, something that literally binds one thing to another. Second, I love the idea that this hope manifests itself in us through an honest desire to do good. In one definition I read of conversion it said, “The Book of Mormon provides descriptions of people who are converted to the Lord” and then, rather than a long description of conversion it simply says, “They desire to do good.”Sometimes we forget the motivating force behind what we need to be doing in our activity in the church, and that motivating force should be love. Russian author Fyodor Dostoevsky wrote,

“Be the experience of active love. Strive to love your neighbour actively and indefatigably. In as far as you advance in love you will grow surer of the reality of God and of the immortality of your soul. If you attain to perfect self-forgetfulness in the love of your neighbour, then you will believe without doubt, and no doubt can possibly enter your soul. This has been tried. This is certain."

Doing good is born of active love, and when we strive to love in an active and persistent way, we become more converted to the gospel. When we are converted to the gospel we take upon us the name of Christ. Christ was the perfect example of love, and thus we cannot fully comprehend or appreciate our activity in the church until we truly press forward with that perfect brightness of hope, a love of God and a love of all men.President Uchtdorf said,

For what we love determines what we seek.

What we seek determines what we think and do.

What we think and do determines who we are—and who we will become.

This is why I am going on a mission. To help in whatever way I can to restore people’s relationship with God, in order to provide an anchor for the soul. I echo the words of President Uchtdorf, and I know that it is through actively loving that we become better people; people converted to both the gospel of Christ and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know that conversion to the church and the gospel provides a clarity in life that little else has provided me with. The gospel not only provides hope, but teaches that there is real power in belief and faith. I hope that I can share this hope with someone else on my mission and give them something that can be an anchor in their lives. I am so grateful and humbled that I get to share this message with the people of France, and I hope that I can learn how to love more fully in a more self forgetting way. I know I have a lot to learn. I am thankful for the examples of love in my life, especially my siblings and my parents, who have helped me become more. I am thankful for the ultimate example of love, Jesus Christ. It is through Him that I am here today, and I am so thankful for that.